I’m Sorry (1)

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for doing all those things. I’m sorry for going against myself… for not living a life worthy of my calling. I’m sorry for not listening to you over and over again; for picking myself over you, my desires over obeying you and pleasing men over you.
You know me, so I’m not going to claim I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was getting into or that i didn’t mean to do it. Or that it didn’t feel good or that i don’t want to do it again. That won’t be the truth and not saying the truth will defy my aim here. I keep replaying it and the truth is I even want to do worse.
But I don’t think it felt all that good… I would know-I’m the one who feels empty on the inside like you’ve left me completely (I’m beginning to doubt you were ever there). I can’t feel the guilty pangs anymore, the restraining voice is gone as well. Or were they all made up by me? I even will the tears to come, so I’ll know I feel something but nothing happens. Then again, my tear ducts have been known to malfunction; turning on the waterworks at the wrongest of times.
It feels like I’m too far gone, though I haven’t strayed too far yet (but for me a little step is too far). I guess it feels that way because it wasn’t something I did in the spur of the moment. I had thought about it for days, weighed the pros and the cons. I even got a fair warning from you or well I suppose I did. But I just didn’t want to listen.
Somehow, someday, someone will read this and wonder whether I just wrote this, like some kind of write-up or something. But you know better. It’s because I can’t talk to you; the words won’t get past my throat. And I’ve always expressed myself better this way.
I know you love me and you are kind, and that your anger is but for a moment. But that’s the problem. It’s what makes me feel worse. The fact is i knew what I did will not completely separate me from you. Do you see where I’m coming from?

I know I took you for granted. Which is the worst thing ever . I lost myself when I made the decision and not when I carried it out. I made myself believe it was your peace when in reality it was your absence I felt. And I lost you so long  ago.

I should stop here and say what I really want. I should say why I’m really scared…

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