**Incase you missed it, read I’m Sorry (1) here **
I should stop here and say what I really want. I should say why I’m really scared.
It’s because I remember what the anonymous writer said in the book; that it will be difficult- i’m pretty sure he used the word “impossible”-for those who have been saved and know the truth, who then fall away, to be saved again.
You see it right? That sounds just like me. I knew too much to give it all up.
But something deep within me says it’s still possible. That I’m not completely lost. What I don’t know is, ‘how?’ How do I retrace my steps?
With this emptiness I’ve felt for so long, how do I know I’m not just playing religion and only going through the motions? And then become the fulfillment of the verse that talks about the “gift of God” which is given without repentance; how do I know all my talk and actions isn’t just the gift of God given without repentance but I’m empty on the inside just like Saul?
So this is what I’m asking:
Please forgive me.
Please don’t take that assurance from me.
Don’t take away your grace; I know I’m undeserving of it.
Don’t take any of it away. Help me to feel you again, and see you.
To know you like I used to and even beyond that.
And help me to love you above everything else.
I may have to do the chasing this time, but of course, you will do the catching because it’s what you do and it’s the only way I could ever reach you.
I don’t know how, I really don’t. I’m really helpless and clueless but I know I don’t want to draw back to perdition. Not ever again.
I know I don’t need to work for Grace (it won’t be Grace if we had to).
I just feel I need to show you I mean what I say. But these words are only empty except you help me or I may just find myself going in circles again. I tried, and it took me a while to figure this out but I can’t save myself.
So I’m letting go.
I’ve stopped struggling.
Please reach your hands into this tiny space I’ve wedged myself in and save me… from myself.
I still don’t feel the peace flooding my soul. Not yet.
But I think I feel the release. Or maybe I don’t.
Then, I don’t expect anything dramatic.
But it’s okay. It’s okay if I don’t feel anything now, as long as the assurance comes eventually.
And it doesn’t matter how long, I’m going to keep chasing till it’s done.